Bad choice

Yup, that's right. I am talking about the one bad choice I made about the girl to fall in love with, which affected my life. ( For those who don't know, the word Affected, with the prefix 'A', always symbolizes effect of a negative kind ). It feels like I have been bounded by so many things in life that I have seem to forgotten the true meaning of word 'freedom'. Ohh, it was so long back that I experienced it. 

I've always matured a bit late. Always been getting a real understanding of things late, always struggling but getting rewards late or none at all at times. My friends were fucking girls while I still felt shy to talk to one. Everyone thought that it was my cool personality that I don give a damn to anybody and that i've got my fare share of attitude. Heck I used to shiver while talking to beautiful girls till 9th grade. Or should I say girls that I fell in love with. Oh man this love thing is some crazy nasty thing. It's so wonderful to fall in love but then it's even more painful to be in it or to force yourself out of it. 

It literally fucked up my life. I've been in love only two times in my life. Hell I am not even sure about the first one, whether it was love or crush.( It would have to be a hell of a crush considering it occupied my mind for more than 10 years ). But the second one is the shit I blame for messing up my life. That was love, for sure. It's been 3 years now that we stopped studying together, but still she motivates me like anything. She just  called after a few months; that gave an old piece of wet hay the fire to burn and think about writing this blog. 

Ohh how I wish i could go back to that one single day when for the first time I had felt something special for this innocent looking bubbly girl who wanted to be alone with me in the park where our friends were gathered. Fuck, I don't wanna imagine that day. It's all over mate it's all gone, i try to explain my heart but to no avail.. I had had my fare share of interactions with girls by that time but I was never able to close on anyone. So I thought I'll try a new technique this time, I'll be more direct this time about my feelings for the girl. Little did I know that the flower child was actually hiding a behemoth monster beneath her who was gonna trap me and torture me for the next 5 years down the lane. It would chew on me like a hungry dragon and then soothe me with a few nice words of empathy and the small hints that yes maybe we can be together for whole of our life. 

She knew I will not match up to her prowess and she could tame me in whatsoever way she wanted. Oh FUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK, why, why was I like that???? I ruined my studies, my parents money but most importantly, I lost my self respect. Just lost it the way that 8 yrs on, since I first met her, I am still searching for ways to get my self respect back. I found frustration, lottttt of body weight, confusion, demotivation, loss of money, negativity, complex but not my respect. 

Oh God, why wouldn't she understand my plight, my feelings, my love for her. Why did she reject me? She was the one who turned a smart and intelligent guy into a wimp, She was the one who used me for her emotional dramas, she was the one for whom I ignored my true friends, then why would she reject me???

When I proposed, she grabbed my collar !!! Ha imagine yourself saying I love you to the one girl in the whole wide world that you'd want to be with for the rest of your life, and in return she grabs your collar asking how dare you even think about that. Ooh. Bad choice indeed. She turned my life into a struggle, a forever struggle with my own self. 

I blame myself everyday for this choice, but in the end, was it really my choice? Did I have any control over it? Had I had better values and more will power infused into me, would I have not made that choice? I doubt. 

Now I am in a beautiful relationship with this really wonderful girl who loves me despite all of my flaws. She gives me the kind of love that some men can only imagine. Am I one of her bad choices?? May be.